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About ramblinwoman

I call a small, Minnesota town home. I'm a lover of life and all the simple things. Currently I spend my time enjoying my 20's and everything it has to offer, the good and the bad. I have a horse that acts much more like a dog. I have an undeniable love for "junque" and repurposing the old into something new and useful. Yes, I'm Norwegian, not full blooded by any means and I can't say I know the lost art of lefse making but I do enjoy Lutefisk...the good stuff....not the jelly you buy at the local grocery store. This is my first attempt at blogging, I'm a rookie and it will certainly show. However, I thoroughly enjoy putting my thoughts into words and spinning a regular, everyday incident into something a little more entertaining. I hope you enjoy the rambling!

Tailored Perfection

Per·fect

make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible

A word used often. A word used loosely. A word used without understanding.

As much as I like to describe things I’ve seen, experienced and felt as “perfect”… I really shouldn’t. It’s my perfect, much different from someone else’s perception of perfect. Therefore by definition its potentially skewed, flawed and defective in someone else’s eyes.

It occurs to me that aside from the group that tries to insert the hope of perfection there are those that create an illusion of perfection. An illusion set out for others to see and envy. Envy is an awful thing and shouldn’t be imposed on others. Happiness comes from yourself and you alone. Your life shouldn’t be meant as a showcase for others.

Life like everything else in this world isn’t perfect. And you know what? That’s okay! I’ve learned almost everything I know by mistake. By creating something defective to understand what went wrong and how. Life is going to turn you upside down, shake you up, put an obstacle in your path that is seemingly unsurpassable. I hate to sound ordinary but everything DOES happen for a reason. I don’t care if you are religious, not religious, free spirited, or have become completely numb to any spirituality. There is always a cause and effect.

At times things may be unexplainable. However, my thought is that if we are unable to explain it or see the reasoning behind it. We aren’t ready. Simple as that.

Recent experiences have confirmed that bad things happen to good people. Confirmation is enlightening. This may seem like a contradiction but hear me out. Confirmation is the affirmation of what you already believed, suspected or feared. Affirmation is in turn an action or process. One that can be of emotional support or encouragement. That said, confirmation is a step forward.

I realize this has jumped from one subject to the next but I promise it will make sense.

Perfection is an endless pursuit. We stand exhausted. And for what? To appease others and potentially ourselves. But why, because it’s pleasing?

Tell me you look in the mirror and feel pleased or see perfection, doubtful.

As each day passes we strive to better ourselves and our placement in life. We encounter the bad and good. We pass the judgemental and the doubtful. Some of us are unstoppable yet some of us fall back. Those that fall back have yet to see their potential and their ability to create their own perfection. Those that surpass have understood that there will be complications, obstructions, impediments and disadvantages. However their will to succeed is beyond that of doubt.

I believe in perfection. Perfection that suits us. As I’ve said before, no story is the same and how boring the world would be if it were.

Contrary to my opening line, perfection is that to who creates it. Envision it, pursue it, create it and live it. Life is going to be breathtaking. Not always a good breath and not always a bad breath….but damnit its going to take it! Might as well have a good story behind it.

My only hope is that everyone goes through life without having to meet everyone else’s expectations. That we pursue both our blessings and shortcomings with a respect that whatever happens was our choice and the outcome is and was….

Perfect.

 

Relationship Reference

I have yet to write a good relationship blog. Based on what came out of my mouth in Mr. You’re In My 20 Something I should let the dating scene rest. But wait, where is the fun in that?!?

I’m not keen on entertaining the idea of an actual date because that might mean I need to commit to another person who MIGHT turn out to be a horrible person. It also means that a date might lead to a relationship and then they might start doing things like staying over and stuff. Which is fine for a little while but then they want to do other things like eat my food and not take out the garbage. That’s called a crappy roommate and that’s why I live alone.

I might sound like a dude when I say this but I think every relationship should start with a written contract. I don’t like arguing so if I was able to just point to Book 1, Chapter 8, Pg. 167 and Clause 5 to validate why I’m upset that would be ideal. Just saying.

This said contract would be more like a set of books. A set of reference books that I would adoringly call….In The Event of an Unfortunate Event.

I realize a series of books based on relationships could get rather lengthy but that’s why we have the trusty alphabet. Lets see here….. you stayed out till 4 a.m., shut off your phone and then peed on the floor when you got home. This would be found in reference book D for Drunk. Drunk Mistake #45 solved by reference book C….see: Clean, Couch and Can’t believe she still puts up with me.

Side note: Dual purpose reference books. If you have an above average stubborn significant other and they refuse to follow the written word. “Throw the book at them!” Boom….Judge and Jury.

Of course these books would be written by a carefully selected focus group. Equal parts of men and women. All that do not act on emotions or hormones, that aren’t heavily medicated, don’t have any type of dependencies or suffer from any kind of obsessive compulsive disorder. This would keep all content very general, down to earth, specific and clean cut.

I think I’m on to something here. I can’t speak for others but I would use the hell out of these. Imagine all the pointless bickering that would be avoided. No more long drawn out arguments that go in circles with no end in sight, only to be brought up again a day or two later. It would be a quiet, informational thumbing through of pages filled with fruitful knowledge.

Okay, okay so I might be dressing this up a bit. But every book needs a sales pitch if it’s going to be published.

If your not about to weather through some really horrid events with your significant other than these books wouldn’t be worth your time. But if you want to get through all the muck in flawless form you might want a little assistance.

If it’s the millionth time you’ve cooked and cleaned the house for a less than appreciative adult I’d pull Book A. Grab those genius sticky flags and mark appreciation and apology. Then grab G…flag girls night and leave it next to the dirty dishes and a can of soup. They’ll figure it out. Actually no, don’t even take out the can of soup. Make them struggle to figure out where you keep the canned goods because chances are they haven’t been grocery shopping lately either.

Alright so maybe this isn’t all possible and I’m living in some Norwegian dream land, hanging out on cloud 9. But to have the tools to make someone see eye to eye with you is important. If you ultimately can’t end on the same page with someone after a disagreement it’s most likely a crash and burn scenario.

I aim to find someone who will at least take out my garbage. If they’re going to be staying over and eating my food, my only expectation is they keep the ice cream stalked and pickup after themselves. It’s that simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cost of Quiet

Recently I’ve been struggling with the quiet of my home. Don’t get me wrong I love the serene and peaceful, the lack of traffic and the absence of the hustle and bustle. But as they say, the struggle is real.

I have a really nice, shiny T.V. and it’s great for watching movies but not much else as apparently I live in a no zone for the free channels I grew up on. It has crossed my mind to contact the local cable company. However, this past year or so without regular television has panned out nicely and I’m not about to ruin that. Maybe, just maybe I will settle on Netflix.

If you were my neighbor you’d know exactly what my taste in music is. I have a nasty habit of not only singing obscenely loud but cranking the music even louder. Whether the windows are open or not or even if its late….that’s one of the perks of living in the middle of nowhere. That one I won’t complain about…the neighbors might, but I don’t much care what they think.

Having several jobs at one time to avoid the quiet wasn’t the ticket either. Money is great but I’ll be the first to tell you it’s not made for happiness. This I already knew but I needed a serious time buffer. However, three jobs involves not being home at all and doesn’t allow for much of a social life. Unfortunately I’m a rather social butterfly so this in particular didn’t fly.

A few hours a week I’m occupied with writing “Norwegian Stories,” as a friend likes to call them. I’ve also recently taken up Yoga. As time consuming as Yoga can be, a person can only stretch and breathe so much in one sitting without feeling like their prepping for labor.

Home improvements are a favorite hobby of mine. I however added wine to this hobby and even though I maintain a productive stride…the next morning my real job isn’t so productive.

Out of boredom I’ll do yard work. Or just random organizing of any sort. I kid you not I literally spent an entire evening cleaning and resorting my wood pile. Which yes needed to be done but really?!?! Try sharing that story at the water cooler in the morning. “Oh, how was your evening?” “Good just sorted and stacked my wood!” “Ahhhh, I mean wood….you know wood for my stove ehhhm.”

I had a great dog for a short time but my weirdo neighbors thought he was better suited for them and took him against his will. He was returned but afterwards he had a relentless habit of running. I for one will not keep such a wonderful animal contained to a kennel so he’s moved on to a new home that suits his running habit quite well.

Since a dog didn’t hack it I thought I’d try my hand at being a cat lady. I may be in slight denial that I own a cat as he has a dog’s name and coincidentally has more dog tendencies than a cat. So there’s a possibility this might work. One thing I can say I’ll never get used to is the whole litter box thing, it’s just not right. Any feedback on how to toilet train a cat would he appreciated!

I wish I could say I spend a large amount of time reading as I do enjoy it but I have a terrible A.D.D. when it comes to paperback. I read half way through and then…… “squirrel!”  Oh look another book I haven’t read and then…..”squirrel!” You catch my drift?

There is one place that the quiet can stay and that’s on my deck. If the world seems too loud at times that is most definitely my getaway.

Whether its the cost of filling my house with things to break the silence or putting an animal in the mix to try and fix it, its apparent I haven’t quite found what I need. On the other hand Roofus (the cat) sure knows how to be vocal and that’s kinda nice. Or at the very least his death cries are kind of growing on me. Kind of.

 

 

 

Changing Our Minds

It’s obvious I have a slight beef with social media and technology. I realize I touch on this subject quite often and I apologize if it’s a boring repetition. However, it’s what I’m passionate about and when it comes down to it, who writes about what others are passionate about?
So often my day to day conversations include a gripe about the lost art of real connection. My job enables me to constantly put myself out there. Interact, network and meet those who emerge from every aspect of the every day. No, I don’t get to meet iconic people and I would never be able to create an A list guest list but I’m not going for bragging rights so that’s irrelevant.
After a chat with an elderly gentleman today it reminded me of how long it’s been since I fully vested myself into what someone was telling me. This guy was once a top boxer, was married to a woman with ties to a well-known singer/songwriter, served in the military and from what I understand could still fiddle the devil under the table. I could have listened to this man talk all day! Just relax sit back and take every detail in. I was disappointed once it all came to an end. But how absolutely wonderful to hear a small piece of someone’s many years.
Snapchat has reduced conversation to seconds and minimal characters, reduced face to face interaction with awful mid-moment pictures and choppy video. But has conveniently added filters and yet one more notification to check. Facebook has placed a strain on real relationships. Decreased friendship to a newsfeed, comment and like.
People may be finally realizing how awful our ability to be social has become. Our blatant inability to put down our phones and computers. Society’s nasty habit of creating the new, exciting, fun and “right-now” at an astonishing rate. We are zombies to technology. It’s a sickness and we are all ill.
This past week has shown me that there are people that want to fight this epidemic. From the guy who strives to have coffee with every one of his Facebook friends to the man proclaiming there is no such thing as auto correcting humanity. It makes me weak in the knees to think there are still people out there that have a grasp on human connection and how very important it is.
I’ve read articles of people devoting an entire day to shutting their cellphone off. Creating a strict schedule of time they will allow using social media and/or technology. I have friends that have said goodbye to Facebook. I myself have done away with Snapchat once and for all. All these outlets waste and consume our precious time.
Another irritating element of today’s world is the need to photograph everything….food, countless selfies, priceless moments and beautiful scenery. I’m unsure where this irrational fear of letting something escape us comes from. It shouldn’t be portrayed as a negative that we may not remember exactly how everything looked. Slowly we are losing how these “things” made us feel and the senses it stimulated. Now it’s just a number in our gallery and a photo in our digital album. Photography is an art and it should be treated as one with the same respect any other art form is.
I can only hope that each of us will take the initiative to withdraw from the internet and data world. That we are saying yes to real experiences, real interaction and real knowledge. That we take the time to digest what is going on around us and filing it in our memory, in turn sharing our memories in words. Enticing another living, breathing individual right next to you to do the same.
Look up.

What Would A Kid Do?!?

Many of you have seen at least a time or two, a side by side comparison of adult behavior versus child behavior. For whatever reason there’s a crossing over of sorts when you become of a certain age. Unlike the movie Baby Geniuses, I don’t think this switch happens at the transition of babble to broken English but more so at the time we start practicing modesty.

Just think about it….there comes a point when we can no longer run around half naked and consume an endless amount of sugar. We become more refined, groomed and we develop this awful sense of conformity. Not that growing up is all bad but realistically there are a few things I wish I could still get away with. If you read Knee High Perspective then you’d know much of my inspiration on this topic comes from my nieces. Since my childhood won’t be coming back around anytime soon I often live vicariously through them.

From eating preferences to choice in clothing, I sit and ponder the outcome of such behavior from an adult. For example: If I chose to wear my prettiest princess costume to work they’d label me as manic and send me home on an unpaid mental health day. My niece wants to look like Snow White for a day….no biggie…totally normal. Pffff, whatever….where’s the 7 dwarfs?!? She isn’t even playing the part right but people will tell her every day of the week and twice on Sunday how stinkin’ cute she is! This is how I know our society is rigged.

Sharing is caring. In the grown up world, yes. In child’s play, heeeeck no. Get your own Legos, dinosaur movie, stuffed animal and don’t even think about eating my Cheetos. Freeloader. If I could apply this to my everyday struggles I’d be set. No you can not borrow my whiteout, pen, scissors, phone charger or my money and no I still don’t want to share my Cheetos. How wonderful the corporate world would be if office supplies were completely out of reach for sharing. Imagine the look on your co-workers face when they swing into your office , “Can I borrow your staple puller quick?” Answer back with a sober faced, “No, it’s mine.”

How many of you as a child were excused to go play when something boring was taking place? Whether it be during grown up conversation or while grown-ups tried to complete mundane chores. Regardless, where is this option for me now? How wonderful it would be to hear…..”Kelsey this meeting is going to be long, drawn out and won’t pertain to you in any way, so why don’t you just go play.” Ha! I’d draw up a Boss of the Year certificate with my sharpest crayons and brightness markers just to show my appreciation.

Which brings to mind how creepy it would be if adults drew each other pictures harboring zero artistic skill.

So you’ve just finished lunch…maybe you had spaghetti or last night’s sloppy joes. Both could be a little messy. Perhaps you dropped some on yourself. No worries. Leave it there, you’re just gonna get dirty next time you eat anyway. Because we’re civilized you should probably clean your face but if you washed that meal down with Kool-Aid you’ll be wearing a perma-smile the rest of the day. Wear it proudly.

Oh wait, you’re 27….nevermind, what the hell is wrong with you!

You’re out for a nice dinner with friends or maybe a business meeting for the evening. Uh-Oh too many brewskies, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now! Shucks, you’re on the inside of a booth 2-3 people deep! Instead of creating the awkward situation of making everyone get up and doing the hop, scoot, slide out of the bench seat. Just do a slither number under the table….drop on all fours and crawl under the table. If you’re sneaky enough no one will even notice. If they do, be polite and apologize but assure them you’ll be right back. At the edge of the table start a full sprint to the potty. I’m not sure if this behavior is only acceptable in certain establishments but if my memory serves me right….Pizza Hut never complained.

As adults we are taught constructive communication. When it’s appropriate to use inside/outside voices, to not argue in public, pick our battles and express emotions at the right times. I think that most adults revert back to non-constructive communication after a few too many alcoholic beverages. That being said, this is an instance where child-like behavior is socially acceptable. On the flip side, let me remind you that kids can often act like tiny drunk adults. Now that perspective is much more entertaining!

To bring unexpected entertainment to your daily life, do me a favor and ask yourself….WWAKD? (What would a kid do?)

 

 

 

Norwegian At Its Best

Over the years it’s become obvious my family is happier at home. They rarely leave the farm and are content with enjoying their familiar surroundings. There’s surely nothing wrong with this but you can imagine my excitement when there was suddenly talk of trip. A trip at short notice, no time to mull over it and certainly not enough time to sit and ponder an excuse to get out of it. That being said I had to make sure I took part in this mini vaca.

This mini vacation took place in South Dakota. To sum it up I’ll use the old “God’s Country” phrase. Between the rolling hills of round bales, cows, cowboys and just all around beautiful landscape I was in awe. I’ve been to SD on business but never to stop and take it all in. I’m happy I went, it was short and sweet but certainly worth it.

 

I’m not Native American and honestly know nothing about their views, way of life or all around culture. I can say that aside from the basic perception of their culture they are an intriguing group. If “group” isn’t PC I apologize, I mean well. They’re a very proud group and show it.

Anyone who embraces their roots is generally passionate about where they came from and intend on upholding what was accomplished by those before them. After visiting Crazy Horse Memorial, the museum and viewing their annual blast it’s apparent that is exactly what the memorial is all about….people carrying on tradition to keep it alive.

You know how I love a little inspiration so here it goes…

I won’t give you a sappy write up of my family tradition….who my great ancestors were or a touchy feely rendition of what it is my “people” are trying to carry on. Instead, I’ll paint a picture of how a family that is made up of some truly strange characters influenced one individual into being a descendent of the same stature. Bare with me, I’m not much of an artist but I’ll do my best.

Laughter at inappropriate times: This characteristic is a real gem. Those before me have made it an absolute must to have their funny bone tickled at the most inopportune time…usually silence, times of awkwardness, misunderstanding and the occasional unfortunate event. I’ve discovered no rudeness is involved with this, at least not at first. If it’s followed by numerous outbreaks it’s probably because we have completely checked out and we’re now in it for our own entertainment.

A fowl mouth: You may think I’ve spelt this wrong but I haven’t. Never heard of it? Well, most haven’t. It’s a mixture of flying off the handle, verbally flipping the bird and a ruffle of hypothetical feathers. If at any point someone in my family tree is riled, passionate, excited, frightened, or simply ….relaxing….their view will be spewed, to most, in an offensive manner. Again, we mean well. We just really, really, really mean it. And somehow, “Gee that little rascal rubs me the wrong way,” just doesn’t cut it.

Absurd humor: All around I blame our humor on why it is I rarely make a GOOD friend. If you can’t take the sarcasm, the less than PC verbiage, innuendos or follow our irradic train of thought we probably can’t hang out. You’d never survive, just saying.

Use of words: I’ve been told I have a way with words but that’s all in part to hearing the genius use of words first hand. When I say genius I don’t necessarily mean brilliant or even educated. I mean the kind of genius where you find yourself asking, “Why didn’t I think of that?” This weekend I heard a medical term for male anatomy used as a way of describing someone with less than acceptable behavior. It. Was. Awesome.

Short temper: I can’t speak for everyone but I’ve noticed numerous individuals in my family suffer from a short fuse. To each their own with what it is that lights that fuse but I now understand why I have an irrational anxiety of very basic things. Repetition, annoying noises, arguing and indecisiveness.

Snorting: This is rather embarrassing. If you’ve never heard a real Kelsey laugh, you aren’t missing out. There’s a snort involved. Yep, I’m a snorter. Usually only once and it has to be funny on an above average scale. This reminds me of the new laugh my sister acquired on our partial family vaca. If you could imagine the giggle of a My Little Pony then you’d be hearing the song of her people. Maybe it was the change in altitude, nonetheless I hope it’s here to stay.

Sense of family: On a more serious note…. my family, in my opinion, is very close.  We fight, we bicker, go lengths of time without talking but if you say anything bad about my family, there will be a problem. A problem likely consisting of a verbal lashing but we won’t got there because this is a positive message. In the same breath we’re all very serious about any kind of relationship so it’s not exactly family specific.

Odd shopping habits: After making fun of my mom for buying some homely stitched whacha-ya-ma-callit I realized I was in no position to judge. Hours before that I dropped a nice chunk of change on a floor covering for my living room. It’s big and its cow. It’s also my house and if people don’t like it…that will be just fine. I however, couldn’t live without it…then it hit me, mom probably felt the same about her gross doily thing. What can I say, it runs in the family.

Last but not least….

Norwegians: This blog wouldn’t be what it is today if I didn’t have my Norwegian heritage to blame. Since I’m all about a good laugh here is a little Norwegian humor.

In regards to new age technology:
Log On: Makin' da vood stove hotter!
Downlaod: Gettin' da vood off da truck!
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in da vinter time in da snow!
Laptop: Vhere da kitty sleeps!
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes!
Port: Fancy vine!
In regards to medical terms:
Artery: The study of paintings
Barium: What you do when CPR fails
Dilate: To live longer
Hangnail: A coat hook
Protein: In favor of young people
Tumor: An extra pair
Urine: Opposite of you're out

*Compliments of Bergquist Imports

 

 

 

Pitch of the Click

What determines a friend? Or even friendship for that matter. Is it similar interests, same class of humor, honesty or morals? Surely there’s many avenues to friendship but I think its safe to say we all have our groups. Friends from high school, work, neighbors, church and the list goes on.

After a weekend spent with a mix of old and new friends it made me reflect on why it is I occupy my time with certain people. What qualities they have that draw me to them and what the basis of our friendship is. Questions that I’d usually answer, ” I don’t know, because they’re fun!”

As important as fun should be in any relationship it’s not always first and foremost. My best friend would never be afraid to tell me when I’m being a jack-donkey, tell me exactly what she thinks of the company I keep or tell me when I’m being a total unrealistic, psycho. On the flip side, she isn’t afraid to tell me that I deserve better, that I should push myself harder or tell someone else they’re being an unrealistic psycho in my honor.

I’ve met a variety of people from a variety of places, scenarios and events both fortunate and unfortunate. Regardless of where they’re from, how we met, one thing is for sure. The click. The undeniable exchange of, “Yep, this person gets me.”

However, in order to hear this click you’d have to be listening and giving them the time of day. This is what I struggle with. I love the click, I live for the click but I’m terrible at “hearing” it. It would be easy to blame it on my love of obnoxiously loud music but I know that’s not the case. I also have a nasty habit of confusing the click with a rather odd clack….or perhaps yack.

Yes, yack….the sound you make when something is distasteful.

Because I’m human and have poor judgement I will always try something twice….while expecting different results. Very foolish.

I should mention this misinterpretation of a hypothetical sound goes both ways. I meet individuals that I “click” with instantly but disregard because ‘something might not be right with the click’…. it sounds a little off pitch. In return I put up a…pitchy…exterior.

See what I did there ;)  

If I’ve learned anything in the past year it’s that the good people stick around and the bad people find their own way out. But attracting bad relationships shouldn’t be the main event. It might be best to learn straight out the gate and not drag out the same tired, end result.

The focus should be on those that compliment you as a person. Not those that drain you, strain you or shame you.

After all this rambling…

My point is that we all have those that truly know us. They know our quirks, strengths, weaknesses and they respect them. Never choosing to use them against us. These are the people that deserve our attention.

I can confidently say I have friends that could tell you exactly how I said it, if I said it, and if I did it. They know my aspirations, humor, mannerisms and morals. To those….I greatly appreciate you and I wouldn’t change you for the world.

Also, there are a few who may think I haven’t heard the click. As a result of my reflection I’ve slowly but surely heard it. My apologies for taking so long but a big thank you for being aware my pitchy tactics are only skin deep. I could stand to learn a thing or two from you.

 

HAPPY….Having A Purpose to Pursue You

I’ve been told I have a purpose. Something that I’m supposed to do or produce to fulfill why it is I’m here. Why I’ve met certain people, how I got where I am today, and a reason for the lessons I’ve learned. I believe that one day it all comes together. All our key experiences come flooding back and the pieces start falling together.

It’s not the same “thing” for all of us. For some it’s a significant other, a friend, a career or a hobby. So how is this “thing” found….noticed….or even detected? I’ve heard it called the pursuit, the search….the journey. All of which are fitting but they all insinuate a movement. A movement to find what it is we are chasing.

How silly.

Who has ever wandered aimlessly around their house looking for something that isn’t lost, something that isn’t there or something that doesn’t yet exist? We would all look like crazy people! Yet, maybe we all are crazy from the outside looking in. A bunch of wanderers with no outlet.

Until….until we stumble upon this strange, comfortable, awesome, scary, exciting….”thing.”

I speak for myself when I say its frustrating to not know. The concept is there and understood but it hasn’t yet clicked. So, that brings to me a new light.

Perhaps, we (I) shouldn’t be looking so hard. It might be best to take it as it comes. Live life in a multiple choice fashion. Meet cause and effect head on. And just do what makes you happy. If others question or judge you it’s only because they’re still lost. That in turn leads me to my next theory.

If you are doing what makes YOU HAPPY…..keep doing it. It’ll make all those crazy people that much more crazy.

But….it could possibly inspire others. And that, is also something to pursue…..

 

Snoozers Don’t Lose

Inspiration is found in strange places. Whether it be inspiration for creativity, problem solving or simply getting out of bed in the morning it can be found nearly anywhere…it just depends who’s looking for it. What if your outlet for creativity started in bed and was based largely on your struggle to get both feet to the floor? Well then you’d be me. The 12 times I push the snooze button each morning results in an abundance of creative tricks, tips and shortcuts that early risers will never know or appreciate.

Before I admit myself to SPA (snooze pushers anonymous) I will tell you the real reason why I’m always late. My mother….good ol’ Pam shared with me her genetic inability to grace anyone or any place with her presence in a timely manner. I’m not sure what the genealogical term is for this or if its a type of phobia in relation to fear of being on time but there’s no way its a personality flaw. If it was, you’d think I’d have my act together by now!

Tardiness is rude, disrespectful and we have been taught to look down upon those who disregard a schedule. It’s not that I intend to offend anyone and I do in fact know how to read a clock. Preferably digital, the ones with hands are do-able just a little more confusing when I’m in a hurry! Instead of seeing this as such a negative trait I feel its only fitting to twist it ever so slightly to make others see that a snoozer really isn’t a loser.

Let’s start with how long it takes an average person to get ready. Okay, the average female….what, an hour? Maybe an hour and a half? Not this chick, I have it down to 20 minutes if its absolutely necessary. You won’t find me taking a ridiculously long shower, fixing my hair or finding time for piddly chores like folding clothes, washing floors or exercising so early in the morning. The way I see it there’s no time for procrastination.

Minus the amount of procrastination it takes to ignore my alarm for an hour. That isn’t the basis of my blog, so we won’t go there. End result: less water used, less damage to my hair and not a single strained muscle before work. 

From what I understand people spend a big chunk of their morning trying to find something to wear and apparently even the night before on occasion. I would know nothing about this. I’ve learned that my first instinct is the fashion forward instinct and you must always follow it because “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” End result: Practice made perfect for anytime a man may be waiting on me….this cures any whining associated with their boredom. Win, win!

Daily I surprise myself with flawless multitasking skills. Answer me this. Who else do you know that can brush their teeth, put on heels and change the song on their morning playlist, all at the same time? Few I’m sure. End result: Multitasking and efficiency are spelled a lot different but realistically they are one in the same. Half the time, twice as much accomplished. Booyah

Speeding tickets are for one time offenders. The poor souls that are never 10 minutes late and those that dismissed instead of snoozed. This is my life….I know exactly how fast I can drive without a speeding ticket, how long it takes to get from point A to B and exactly when I need to pass someone before I’m officially stuck for the duration of my commute. All of these are crucial factors to ensure I won’t be paying out to some grumpy State Patrol in a funny looking hat. End result: I can save hundreds on speeding tickets by switching to snooze.

You can’t speed if you don’t have gas but you can’t make it to work on time if you have to stop for gas. For this reason I have the utmost confidence in my vehicle that once it stops reading at 32 miles till empty, I know it will still get me to where I need to go. I might be rolling in on fumes but hey, its not how you get there….it’s if you get there. And, I have yet to make a call to triple A or phone a friend for a gas can. Winning! End result: Thrill, nothing gets you going in the morning like a little drama. Will I make it or will I be hitch hiking? Oooooh how I love the excitement!

I’ve learned to stay on my toes because even though I’ve been through this a million times there is still room for error. A rushed state of mind can make you forget the necessities. For example, believe it or not my vehicle is unable to start when my keys are left on the counter. It’s also very tricky to get my keys once the house door has been locked. Remember it’s all about the thrill so I don’t keep a spare key. Hehe. End result: I acquired a new skill. Find me a doorknob I can’t get past with a credit card. I dare you.

How does it go? “The early bird gets the worm.” I’m not your average bird so I’ll occasionally find my worm at the bottom of a bottle.

Not that often because worms are gross and so is tequila.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr. You’re In My 20-Something….Get Out

As I search the web, entertaining myself with countless blogs and articles. I often see the headlines of people writing about their twenties. I hate to follow suit but what the heck, why not! I’m going be here for another six years so I better embrace it and tell all before I get to my thirties and develop memory loss or worse yet, dementia.

My experience of my twenties may have been different if I was where I used to be, which thankfully I’m not. Looking back its all water under the bridge and it just so happens my bridge is awesome and leads to a really green pasture. I haven’t made it to this quote on quote “pasture” yet but I’m well on my way.

I make it sound like everything is perfect through my rose colored glasses and realistically all is well. But I have this nasty habit of finding people who have terrible morals. They don’t all carry similar characteristics but it turns out they all don’t understand the concept between right and wrong.

In case you were wondering dating in your twenties is awful!  Even the act of getting to know new people in your twenties is awkward. Either you meet them when you are super hammered or you meet them in the morning because you don’t remember meeting them the night before. Of course there is always those handy apps to get you out there and have the full on “twenty” fourteen experience. Which I am proclaiming right now, I will NEVER do!

My married, long-time friend and I were having a cocktail a few weeks back and she admitted she can’t imagine being single at this age. I followed her confession by “I wonder if there’s an adult 4-H I can join.” Riiiighhht? But in all honesty thats how I feel, the bar scene is the same old gross scenario and nobody my age has real hobbies. It’s difficult to find people, even friends, with honest intentions.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you all men are horrible, because they aren’t and I know that. However, it’s my encounters with this strange species that shapes my perception. Lets take a look at the lost pages of a Norwegian girl’s diary….the little black book if you will. This is an outline of people, no names mentioned, that I have had the pleasure of interacting with.

1. Mr. Off The Meds: No joke, I once recieved a facebook message asking if I’d like to go out for supper and a drink followed by “I’m finally off all my perscriptions so I can drink again…woohoo.” I didn’t take him up on his offer.
2. Mr. Pat My Head: After going out to eat with guy it was clear we had nothing in common. While leaving the restaurant I seen the dead end sign when he tried to throw me in a snow bank. And it was a no second date confirmation when he patted me on the head in the car. Yep. Patted. My. Head!
3. Mr. Icefishing: The handful of guys who invite me to do really fun outdoor activites, promising cards, beer and hours of B.S.-ing and then they find out that I was under the impression this was a “friend” outing. They then cancel on me. Partially my fault I agree but you can’t be getting a girls hopes up and then not follow through.
4. Mr. Friend Shark: Everyone has heard of this one, an aquaintance or even long-time friend that waits in the dark water, only to emerge when your relationship status has turned to single. Usually much too soon and it results in an emense amount of hurt feelings. Don’t feed the sharks ladies, it never ends well.
5. Mr. Ex-Boyfriend’s Friend: My ex-boyfriend friends are all really awesome, and it seemed as though most were on my side of the fence after the breakup. Turns out a few of them wanted to permanently be on my side of the fence. There’s a fence up for a reason….
6. Mr. Classic Date: This is the scenario when you go on a traditional date, try to get to know a person. They pick you up, they hold the door blah-blah-blah. All very nice and flattering, until a few days later they give you the impression they want to marry you and for you to begin child birth immediately. My biological clock isn’t on a timer and even if it was you’d be the last to know. 
7. Mr. I have a Girlfriend: These ones are usually gorgeous and totally unattainable but for a short amount of time they’ll try to make you believe there’s a chance. Its all a lie, a lttle made up game because they’re no longer in the “game.” Great, all you’ve done is made yourself look like a tool and confirm my original assumption that well….you were a tool.
8. Mr. Unique: I’m not very good with these individuals and I tend to scare easily. Especially if you have an eyebrow ring and you have a bird and a lizard. Both by the name of Zoey/Zoie. My name isn’t Zoe so I have a feeling this isn’t going to work, among other reasons.
9. Mr. Up Front: This is for the guys that aren’t afraid to let it all hang out. The true blue, obscene men that tell you how it is. I love honesty but if you flat out ask me to go home with you, send me risque snapchats or call only after you’ve had a night out with Jack, Jose or Jim….you’re gonna get shot down. No self respecting female is into this….
10. Mr. Clingy: You may have known this person for years or maybe only days. Regardless, he is going to text you every hour because even though he may have given you the impression he has a life, really his life already revolves around you. You may recognize them by “Sorry if I sent a message twice, my phone is acting weird. But did you get my last text about…..” Also recognizable by “Why don’t we talk anymore?” Although your phone clearly states you had a conversation two days prior. My bad, I was busy with breathing…Eeeek!

With my close friends we could have a fun game of, name that dude. But for privacy reasons, we won’t. This one might get a lot of negative feedback but guys and gals alike will be able to relate in some way to at least one of these Mr’s.

I’m far from perfect and I bet each one of these above mentioned people could write a less than tasteful blog about me. That’s the beauty in freedom of speech my friends.